un-normal normality,vintage and big belly laughs

back to un-normal normality once again.the lights again,but with more meaning?you don't get it.i don't even get it.but i like that.we all enjoy unfamilarity,we just may not be aware of it.our lives are too structured,so when unplanned and unexpected events,feelings,emotions,people come along we must revel in them,embrace change and just sort of let it take you along.too much structure leads to a dull life,monotony.i like the changes,they are hard to grasp at first.in a new city with what felt like no-one,but i realised when you make effort it is more often than not reciprocated.it is all too easy for us to wallow in the bad things that happen to us,the devestating things and the things that nearly ruin us.but what i have discovered is much more fruitful is seeing things as they are.seeing people as they are,hearing the truth,pitying the lies and enjoying the times while they are the best they can be.i admit i have been pathetic in the past,but now feel somewhat more mature and able.we do not have to become boring along with our maturity,just able to express emotions acurately,never use blackmail,do not guilt-trip.those are the worst things.i am fast becoming aware that this flat,this view,those lights are what partly inspire me.if you do not understand,i cannot really explain.you just have to...see it.and now they understand where i'm coming from.for the first time in a long time i enjoy the distractions.but not those ones.just leave me alone,okay?i don't want trouble.i dont want a fight,hard feelings,harsh words.i just want...alone.what is done is done.reader we must remember that every action has a consequence,and if you're not a very nice person it comes back to you.i never wish anything bad on anyone,as i don't have to.i have faith enough that karma will prevail.nothing good comes of doing bad.although we all get that rush and that buzz don't we?when we do something we know we shouldn't,we have been told we certainly must not do,or say?we like the feeling.if only for a short while.we enjoy lies,secrets,no?gossip makes the world go round,but once you remove yourself from the circles where gossip is oh so apparent you realise there are much bigger things happeneing in the world,much more to see,much more to worry about,care about.see,we must not get caught up caring and worrying when it is not reciprocated.that is all to of an easy trap to fall into.so,instead,i have them,i have him,her,too.i always have those.and of course,i have the view.x

admiration,intimidation and expectations.

emotions,they amaze.how can we feel such strong feelings for people and things and objects,inanimate objects.places,lights,songs?my favourite feelings are the abstract ones.the ones we cannot describe.love.hate,etc.are these feelings even real?as,most of us only experience them on a short-lived basis.we fall in and out of love,hate,lust.so,the question i pose is how can a feeling be a true feeling if it does not last?at one point you may feel and truly believe you are in love with a person.maybe society just tells us that we must love.it is wrong not to be in love.in a negative view,couldn't we all do without love?the hassle,the time,the money?maybe if we all focused on our careers,goals,wants, we would surely be better off?but reader,love makes the world go round.we love to be loved,yes.the thing i cannot grasp is the fake sentiment.we don't need it,yet we do.the human race constantly needs reassuring that they are...okay.attractive.wanted.yes?that's just human nature.so maybe we need love.maybe it is just a given that we will fall in love.with people,places,things,any things.i have fallen in love with the true sentiments.the words and the actions of many.this city has opened my eyes,to many things.back home,too much time was spent chasing people who could only care of themselves,their new haircut,their pathetic personal traumas.i had real things to sort out,deal with.fear.i have experienced more in the last fortnight than i have in the past two years.more joy,smiles,laughter,moments.the moments that you lust after,that you forced others to create before.i can be me here,without being pulled back.dragged down.i felt my life was mapped out.now i'm glad it isn't.i used to love the control and the knowing.now i love the spontaneity,the certain uncertainties.we know.they've made me realise.all the words said.what is a year wasted when it could have been more?in the scheme of things,"it's a good situation"-he always says."it is not hard to be nice,grace".no,but it is hard to be sincere.and that is a quality i will just have to adapt to,the compliments.one thing to remember,never let things run away.you must not live life like you are in a film,as life does not work in that way.but we must never fall into the trap of accepting life how it is.we all have the power to change things.i know that more than most right now.we do not have to stick with how things are.we can be gazing out on any skyline.what is stopping us?we can go anywhere,do anything.boundaries,yes,but willpower and trying shows results.we say,leeds is just a stop gap in the life plan.it is,a deightful one,but a stop gap nonetheless.we'll find other views,other people and places.but we'll never forget the ones we've experienced.the words uttered and the lessons learned.they stay with you forever.i was sure of what i wanted,what was going to happen,how things would play themselves out,my thoughts,my feelings,my moral stances.what is wrong with change?i embrace it.without change i would not have my beloved flat 74 view.those so highly valued people.the in-jokes.the fun,the joy,the smiles.the...l-o-v-e.x

inapropriate words,the forgotten ones and 'that view'

wow.that is fast becoming one of my favourite words to use.just because it feels like it adequetly discribes the feeling right now.some things are so good it is hard to believe.if you forget the 'bad' things and concentrate on the good life is amazing.that's his word.as i type i am looking out on the most beautiful view.flat 74,the lights of the whole city,and beyond.it sounds ridiculous but i could stare out for hours.i do not know how anyone can not be enthused and fascinated by the lights in the dark.just think,every one of those tiny lights in houses represents people,and each person has there own little spheres,lifes,problems,worries,joys,good times.i am fascinated by people.interaction,stories.life!take for example a couple of weeks back.i boarded the train home from watford junction and an old woman was waving goodbye to her family who were on the platform.as the train pulled away she began to cry.i looked over and asked if she was okay(why do we do that?someone obviously does not cry if they are okay,no?)she replied that she was going to her sister's funeral.i didn't know what to say.so i offered her to come and sit with me.we started to chat and she told me how she had also lost her husband and her twin brother,actually tragic stories.her husband worked for chanel anfd she used to get sent a bottle of no.5 every year at christmas.and her family back in manchester were from the same parts of town as me.for those 3 hours we talked about everything.family,love,careers and general chat.see this is what the southerners lack.we are 'people persons' no?anyway,as we got into piccadilly station she gave me a hug and said "thank you so much,you've cheered me up alot,thank you".i had that good feeling inside,you know?we live in a society where we all firmly keep ourselves to ourselves.'britishness' provails as neighbourhoods diminish,who can honestly say they feel comfortable leaving their doors open anymore?it is ridiculous.no wonder we have so many social and crime problems when we lack the ability to get on with one another.anyway,today.yes.i started to grasp it,you know.the course,journalism.i expected so much more writing,me sat at a desk with my feather and ink pot,no,but just..more writing.i hate the modern technology element(how ironic i am documenting that in an online blog...).my career goal has somewhat been changed over the last few weeks.journalism is a definate,just type.i am still focused on print,yes,but genre,i haven't a clue.it is all too easy for me to daydream of anna wintour herself calling me into the vogue u.s office after being headhunted and making me the new editor...somehow i feel this is doubtful.one can dream,no?in other aspects,i dream of people leaving me alone.not the ones i adore,no.just,yes.why is it that people do not show interest when you put in so much effort,but then when you release all contact they want to worm their way back in.it is irritating to say the least.i do not care about what you have to say because it's fabricated lies to fill your boredom.you're part of the very forgotten ones.the new ones,yes yes yes."i think i think"eugh.i'm no good with words.but i shall say this.this view is amazing.it is so peaceful here i can gather all my thoughts.i miss him and the smile.i miss her and her "hi." and her hair.i miss them and their jokes.but others,no others aren't missed.a part of my good nature feels sympathy,but reader,karma comes back around.and we must conduct ourselves accordingly.x

new blog,new beginnings

so,i'm in leeds.i have three years ahead of me and it's daunting.it is the best rushed or un-rushed decision i have ever made in my life.clearing-leeds met.the people,the atmosphere,the lights,the lights,the lights.i always thought i lived in the city,but i always had the escapes of heaton park,holcombe hill or burrs country park.i don't have that here.but then again,i have not needed an escape here.these past three weeks or so have been the happiest.i used to naively believe that the entirety of the human race relied on the knowledge that every person deep down is a "good" person,we all have a collective consensus of what is "good" and how to conduct ourselves in this way?apparently this is a distorted view,and most of us will figure this out at some point,it's visceral when it hits you.some people are deprived in ways we often dismiss.they cover their insecurity with trying to make others feel as bad as they do inside,secrets,lies,false promises and jelously.they make you think that it is you.when you relieve yourself of the no-hopers the world starts to become a very exciting place.new people,new crowds,new places,new scenery,new smiles,new laughs,new jokes,new accents,that view,those lights.contentment for the first time in a long time.i cannot stop grinning.leeds now is exciting.it's my home for the next three years and i wonder how my experiences here,the people,the places will change and shape me as a person,an adult.from now on i say 'yes'.apparently i tend to blurt "it'd be rude not to!" an awful lot.and i have a strong mancunian accent?hmm.not too sure on that one,but yes i am open to things and places and people and friends.friends,friends,friends.the sort that care yes?as i have often mixed with the sort that care more about their popularity and their facebook profile picture than if you are lying on a pavement dead!sorry state of affairs,yes.but i have made friends here that matter.they make me laugh and smile and giggle and make me want to be a friend back.and i am a "good" person inside.i know that now.i care about things,people,family.her,him,them,all of them,everyone who matters.and we don't need any fake sentiment anymore.those three words are used far too lightly.you meet a person that makes you feel completely and utterly relieved of everything,you're just you.these are the ones.manchester,i love you,i still do but some of your people are just...lacking.intellectually,conversationally,emotionally.i am stunned at the maturity yet the hilarious immaurity here.humour is back in a big way,and i am smiling.laughing along.karma exists,you have to be careful.i would kill for the upper east side,a serviced apartment,a laptop and an upper-end 'thrift store'.and you only get one chance.as she says "money is just that.it is irrelevant in the scheme of things.time is precious and the memories are.if money can buy us time and moments then it is worth every penny.every penny of debt,well spent".true words.we get too stuck on the little things,don't we?feelings and experiences are what matter.these years are the most important,influential,poinyant.we must live,forgive,forget and bask in our "good" selves.the bad ones will lose.because,that's how it works.live to ian brown's words...forget everything and remember,for everything a reason.f.e.a.r.for now,x